Updated: Jun 29, 2020
Asking for what you want seems like a radical idea, right? It's not.
It's also not selfish or rude. Just FYI.
I struggled with this concept when it came to relationships and my career. I second-guessed myself and made excuses for why I couldn't ask for this or that. But, you don't get what you want if you don't ask for it.
How do we do it, though? It isn't easy. We have this notion ingrained in us that we should only ask for what we deserve. But truthfully, asking for what we want is completely different than asking for what we think we deserve. If you have a bad day and snap at someone you care about, you probably don't deserve a chocolate bar. But, you'd probably still go out and get yourself one. That's because it's what you WANT.
You can ask for what you want. You have every right to. And you should!
In relationships, I think it's the most difficult for women to ask for what they want. Again, we consider what we deserve over what we want. Or, we fear being too picky or judgmental so we settle. For example, I want someone who is reserved and introverted in public, but open and outgoing when spending time with me.
I know, those are two contrasting things that aren't usually found in one person. My list goes on for days, and is full of contrasting traits like these. I've often questioned aloud if I'm asking for too much. So, I settle because I know no one is perfect and I don't want to be an asshole who is asking too much of other humans.
But I've been told that that introverted, yet outgoing, someone is out there. And if I don't ask, I won't get what I want. I'm not concerned about whether or not I deserve that someone, or if I'm being too picky. I'm just asking. Because it's what I want.
This one is a toughy. When job hunting or receiving offers, 39% of women are still NOT negotiating their salaries or benefits. I get it. A lot of us still don't know how to negotiate diplomatically or strategically, and we don't want to miss, or fuck up, an opportunity because we came off unprofessional or amateur. Even worse, some of us feel asking for more, asking for what we truly want, is too greedy or ungrateful.
Real talk: it is not greedy, ungrateful, selfish, or rude to negotiate a job offer. In fact, it's expected.
If you accept the offer, you'll be spending most of your weeks, days, months, years, life at this job. So, of course, you should be happy with the position and that includes the pay. benefits, and perks. Make a list of what you want and ask for it!
The bottom line is, with anything, you won't get what you want if you don't ask. But if you do ask, you'll usually get what you want. Truthfully, you may get a no once in a while. But getting a yes or a no doesn't really matter. The ask is far more important than the answer.